Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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