He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
