Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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