hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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