My sheets look like a crime scene.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
