I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
