I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
