why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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