She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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