last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize