its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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