sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
