She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The best revenge is premature balding
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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