it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
