dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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