I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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