Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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