Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
