I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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