From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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