Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
