found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
