I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
