ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
