everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize