i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
