tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
