I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
not ubering you a puppy
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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