My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
