official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
