Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
