I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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