I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
PANTIES FOUND
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
