sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Wipe that smile off your face.
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You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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