I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
