Got a toothbrush?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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