I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
