just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize