I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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