"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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