....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
