i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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