Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
