Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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