hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
