Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You need Xanax blowdarts
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
