Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
