I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
