We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
