Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
