Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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