my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
