Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
