can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
