I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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