Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
