Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
