I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
