fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
