We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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