Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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