so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
