I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
