So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
