Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
